The Kayak Story
A couple of weeks ago, I found myself going in circles on the water. Literally.
I was in a new kayak at my Airbnb, fighting against every stroke, exhausting myself trying to go straight. The harder I paddled, the more frustrated I became. I was convinced the ocean was working against me.
That’s when my cousin, watching from behind, called out: “You know there’s a rudder, right?”
I looked down. Sure enough, there was a lever I’d completely missed. One simple adjustment later, and I was gliding smoothly through the water.
The Life Lesson: Fighting vs. Adjusting
How many times do we do this in life?
Something isn’t working, so we try harder with the same approach. A relationship feels strained, so we have the same argument louder. A child acts out, so we increase consequences. Work feels overwhelming, so we put in longer hours doing the same ineffective things.
We exhaust ourselves fighting against the current when sometimes all we need is a simple rudder adjustment.
Life doesn’t need more force. It needs better direction.
When Fighting Harder Isn’t the Answer
We’re conditioned to believe that struggle means we’re not trying hard enough. But what if the solution isn’t more effort? What if it’s a different approach entirely?
Like I wrote about in my recent post on classroom escalation, sometimes our reactions create more problems than the original situation. The same principle applies to every area of life.
Here’s what I learned in that kayak: Small adjustments create massive changes in direction.
The Rudder Adjustments That Change Everything
In Parenting
- Fighting: Repeating the same consequences that don’t work
- Rudder adjustment: Understanding what your child is trying to communicate through their behavior
In Relationships
- Fighting: Having the same argument over and over
- Rudder adjustment: Changing how you respond or what you focus on in conflicts
At Work
- Fighting: Working harder and longer hours on ineffective strategies
- Rudder adjustment: Stepping back to evaluate what’s actually moving you toward your goals
In Personal Growth
- Fighting: Forcing yourself through the same failed approaches
- Rudder adjustment: Trying a completely different method or getting outside perspective
In the Classroom
- Fighting: More consequences, stricter rules, louder voices when students struggle
- Rudder adjustment: Curiosity over consequences, connection before correction, understanding behavior as communication
For more on trauma-responsive classroom approaches, check out my post on creating better writing assignments that work for all students.
The Exhaustion Factor
Here’s what I learned in that kayak: Fighting against the current is exhausting for everyone involved.
When we use force-based approaches in any area of life:
- We burn out from constant battles
- The other person stays defensive
- The situation becomes adversarial instead of collaborative
- Everyone goes home drained
But when you adjust your rudder (your approach), everything flows more smoothly.
Your Outside Observer
Just like my cousin could see my rudder problem from his perspective, sometimes we need someone else to notice what’s not working in our lives.
Ask yourself:
- What am I fighting against that keeps happening?
- Where am I paddling harder instead of adjusting course?
- Who in my life might see what I’m missing?
- What small change could make the biggest difference?
The Power of Small Adjustments
The most powerful lesson from that kayak? Small adjustments create massive changes in direction.
You don’t need to overhaul your entire life, parenting style, relationship, or career. You just need to check your rudder. Sometimes the solution is simpler than we think.
Examples of small rudder adjustments:
- Asking “What do you need?” instead of “Why did you do that?”
- Listening to understand rather than listening to respond
- Focusing on one small change instead of trying to fix everything
- Getting curious about patterns instead of frustrated by them
- Asking for help instead of struggling alone
Reflection Questions
- Where are you “fighting the current” in your life right now? What keeps happening despite your best efforts?
- What would happen if you stopped paddling harder and started adjusting your approach?
- Who could be your “outside observer” to help you see what you might be missing?
- What one small rudder adjustment could you try this week?
The Bottom Line
Stop exhausting yourself fighting against life’s challenges. Check your rudder. Adjust your approach. Work smarter, not harder.
Whether you’re parenting, teaching, leading, or just trying to navigate your own path forward, remember: Your life doesn’t need more muscle. It needs better navigation.
Sometimes the most profound changes come from the simplest adjustments.
What’s your rudder check moment? Share your breakthrough in the comments below.